How To Write An Earnest Public Statement On Any Matter Even If The Public Has No Idea Who You Are

Due to popular demand, in the wake of the Adelaide Festival Writers’ Week debacle, and inspired by some superb reds consumed in the school bar last night, we have devised a special workshop, titled: How To Write An Earnest Public Statement On Any Matter Even If The Public Has No Idea Who You Are.

We believe that when even two or three people gather for a common purpose, they should experience the cathartic power of issuing a statement and posting it on social media.

In this course you will:

• Learn to ignore the fact that you are not known – write it while you fake it
• Be shown how to get the timing right – ensure you are not the first and wait until the “condemned” has been severely weakened so you can posture yourself boldly without fear of reprisal
• Discern what noble statement to choose for each cause
• Come to understand the benefit of using reversed colours, ie, white on black
• Be encouraged to ignore any sense that you have an unjustified sense of grandeur, the prouder the better

During the workshop, participants will pick a dead author of a classic work to write about, issuing a deplatforming notice by applying today’s social standards to yesteryear’s conventions. Some examples include

• Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain, Frequent racial slurs and stereotypes, despite anti-racism theme.
• ​To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee, Use of slurs and white savior narrative.
• ​The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Misogyny, objectification of women, glorification of wealth.
• ​Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov Depiction of pedophilia and child sexual abuse.
• Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell, Romanticises slavery and Confederacy.
• ​The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger, Profanity, sexual content, perceived anti-Christian rebellion.
• ​The Odyssey, Homer, Violence against women (e.g., suitors’ maids), patriarchal heroism.
• ​Othello, William Shakespeare, Racial stereotypes in portrayal of Blackness and jealousy trope.
• ​Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad, Colonial racism, dehumanizing depictions of Africans.
• ​Lady Chatterley’s Lover, D.H. Lawrence, Explicit sex, class-crossing affair, ableism toward paralyzed husband.
• ​Ulysses, James Joyce, Graphic sexuality, bodily functions, perceived obscenity.
• Little House on the Prairie series, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Native American stereotypes, anti-Black slurs, pioneer exceptionalism.

The workshop will be held in our school bar, with La Fée Verte (the Green Fairy) cocktails available to help immerse ourselves deeply into the bourgeoisie spirit.

Sample Proforma Protest Statement

Here is a proforma you are welcome to copy and use, noting it will lack the power to be wielded by workshop graduates.

Despite the fact that none of these statements will ever be considered important, workshop participants will be given direct contact details for journalists at InDaily, The Advertiser, The Australian, ABC Adelaide, Crikey, Glam Adelaide.