Greetings, economic adventurers and tariff enthusiasts! I, Professor Sebastian Longsword of the prestigious MBA School of MBA Credentials, find myself compelled to address a most concerning oversight in President Donald Trump’s otherwise mathematically magnificent tariff calculations.
While perusing the latest economic treatises during my morning constitutional (a ritual I conduct in my smoking jacket whilst sipping Earl Grey with a dash of Hennessy), my Good Lady Wife interrupted with an astronomical observation of such gravity that I nearly spilled my fortified tea upon my copy of “Currency Manipulation for Dummies: The Pocket Edition.”
“Sebastian,” she exclaimed, gesturing toward the heavens visible through our breakfast nook skylight, “has anyone considered the Moon in these tariff calculations?”
By Jupiter’s economic rings! The woman had stumbled upon the greatest oversight in modern trade policy!
The Lunar Loophole: A Catastrophic Omission
Mr. Trump, in his commendable zeal to protect American commerce from the barbarians at the trade gates, has meticulously calculated tariffs for nations across our terrestrial sphere. His methodology, while unconventional to the uninitiated, follows a certain Trumpian elegance:
- Take trade deficit
- Divide by imports
- Multiply by 100
- Apply a “discount” of 50% because one must always appear magnanimous when wielding economic cudgels
Yet, despite this comprehensive approach that resulted in Australia receiving a modest 10% tariff (despite our American friends enjoying a trade surplus with us – how very charitable!), he has inexplicably neglected our most prominent celestial neighbor – THE MOON!
This omission is particularly vexing when one considers the imminent lunar gold rush. As we speak, various nations and private enterprises are plotting to extract resources from the lunar surface without a single consideration for proper tariff applications. The Americans would surely be over the moon, if you’ll pardon the celestial pun, should Mr. Trump rectify this oversight.
The Longsword Lunometric Tariff Calculation (LLTC)
I propose a more scientifically robust methodology that accounts for the Moon’s fluctuating gravitational influence on our economic fortunes. My research assistants and I have spent upwards of 47 minutes developing this groundbreaking approach while enjoying a particularly robust Shiraz from the Barossa Valley (a wine region that itself deserves a tariff exemption due to its contributions to academic hydration).
The Longsword Lunometric Tariff Formula:
T = (P × G) ÷ V × (1 – S/100) × M
Where:
- T = Lunar Tariff Rate
- P = Proximity Factor (384,400 km, the distance to the Moon, divided by country’s distance from the US in km)
- G = Gravity Coefficient (Moon’s gravitational pull on Earth’s tides, expressed as a percentage of full moon pull)
- V = Visibility Factor (percentage of Moon visible from Washington DC on calculation date)
- S = Sentimental Value (percentage of country’s population that has watched “E.T.” or “Apollo 13”)
- M = Moonshine Index (percentage of country’s GDP derived from distilled spirits)
Practical Application To Australia’s Case
Let us apply this formula to Australia, shall we?
- Proximity Factor (P): 384,400 ÷ 15,700 = 24.48
- Gravity Coefficient (G): Currently 73% (waning gibbous moon)
- Visibility Factor (V): 64% (Washington DC cloud cover adjusted)
- Sentimental Value (S): 87% (Australians love a good space movie)
- Moonshine Index (M): 3.2% (our craft gin sector is booming, I’ll have you know)
Calculation: T = (24.48 × 0.73) ÷ 0.64 × (1 – 87/100) × 0.032 T = 17.87 ÷ 0.64 × 0.13 × 0.032 T = 27.92 × 0.13 × 0.032 T = 3.63 × 0.032 T = 0.116
Multiplied by 100 for percentage expression: 11.6%
Apply the mandatory “Art of the Deal” discount of 15%: 11.6% × 0.85 = 9.86%
Which rounds neatly to 10%!
Lunar Phase Adjustments
The beauty of the LLTC lies in its responsiveness to lunar phases. During a full moon, when G reaches 100%, Australia’s tariff would rise to approximately 13.4% before discount, or 11.4% after discount. During a new moon, when G drops to 31%, the tariff would plummet to 4.2% before discount, or 3.6% after discount.
This astronomical responsiveness allows for what I call “Moonlight Madness Sales” – periods during the lunar cycle when imports could be strategically timed to minimize tariff impacts. Imagine the excitement at American ports as cargo ships race to dock during a new moon!
A Call To Lunar Action
Mr. Trump, I implore you to consider the Longsword Lunometric Tariff Calculation as a supplement to your already impressive tariff regime. The Moon, that silent sentinel of our night sky, has gone untaxed for far too long! While you have admirably slapped tariffs on uninhabited islands and nations with whom America enjoys trade surpluses, this celestial body continues its tariff-free orbit with impunity.
Americans would indeed be over the moon if you were to close this lunar loophole. My Good Lady Wife suggests that you might announce this initiative during the next full moon for maximum visibility, perhaps while standing atop Trump Tower with a telescope in one hand and a calculator in the other.
As Honorary Professor Oscar Wilde might have said had he lived in our economically complex times, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at untariffed stars.”
Until next time, I remain fiscally yours,
Professor Sebastian Longsword MBA (Expedited Learning) Chair of Astronomical Economics The MBA School of MBA Credentials
P.S. My Good Lady Wife has just informed me that she experienced a dream last night in which the ghost of Milton Friedman appeared wearing moon boots and a NASA cap, muttering something about “lunar free trade zones.” I shall investigate this supernatural economic insight further after my afternoon nap.
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